Thinking Yogi

The intersection of two loves: yoga and writing.

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Posted by on in Yoga

b2ap3_thumbnail_KM with Growth Plan.jpg
It's officially over.

The Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses program that has been an amazing source of information, ideas, and support (as well as the cause of many late nights spent at my computer) came to a close a few weeks ago, and I'm still processing all that I learned along the way.

In a nutshell, the 3-month program provides small business owners with a practical education in how to better run their business as well as access to support in pursuing an opportunity to grow. I learned so many great things that I've already begun to apply at the studio, and the program opened my eyes to new ways to see both my role at Bloom and the direction we're headed.

The buzz word of the program was growth - what it means, why it's important, and how to make it happen. I struggled against what I initially perceived to be pressure to prioritize profit over passion and purpose. The more I compared myself to other business owners or to external expectations for growth, the more I began to feel off-kilter and confused. Midway through the program, I panicked. Should I be trying to come up with some brilliant new yoga gimmick? Should I be a business owner who aims to put a yoga studio on every corner? Should my ambitions be bigger?

This line of thinking sent me down a dark, bumpy path of self-doubt and judgment. So I did what I always do when I feel off-center and disconnected: I rolled out my yoga mat.

I've come to the mat thousands of times before, but each has been a new experience. Some days I've had a spark of inspiration in child's pose and had to scramble to find pen and paper to write out (in my terrible chicken scratch) the next Thinking Yogi post or article I want to publish. On other days, I've forced myself through a practice that felt dull and uninispired wondering why I didn't just stay in bed.

But despite all of the confusion in my head and heart that day, despite the stress and self-doubt and worry I felt over whether the growth I was contemplating was 'right,' coming to the mat made things so simple, so clear. I sat tall, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and found my smile.

Bloom's vision is my vision for my own life, too.

I want to be happy and healthy.
I want to experience and enjoy the present moment rather than constantly striving.
I want do purposeful work that I love, connect with good people, grow and change, and be creative and inspired.

The growth I'm seeking at Bloom isn't all about the bottom line. The reason I started the studio is to make wellness more accessible. I believe yoga and massage can help people to feel happier and healthier in daily life, and I wanted to create a community that makes it easy and fun for people of all ages, stages of life, and levels of fitness or flexibility to give it a go. Every new class or program we've offered has been a direct result of that core belief.

Yes, the bottom line is important, but it's not what gets me up in the morning. I'm inspired by sharing what I love with others, excited when yoga and massage changes someone's whole day-to-day experience of life, thrilled when our students consider Bloom their home away from home.

So with all that said, just what sort of growth is in store for Bloom?

Here's what I'm excited about!

    • Promoting wellbeing at work - bringing stress-reduction and wellness (via yoga, massage, and meditation) to more folks right where they work
    • Taking yoga on vacation - bringing our community together beyond the studio walls in new, beautiful locations (our popular Maya Tulum retreat is likely to fill up again this year...)

After initially having moments of self-doubt and judgement in the program when I tried to fit myself into a certain business owner mold because I thought I 'should,' I soon realized that there is no one right way to grow. When I look at these four areas of growth I know what lies ahead at the studio is organic and true and aligned with our vision. And so we continually cycle back to what we do best, we revisit and revamp what we love, we grow, we Bloom.

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Posted by on in Health

I used to punish myself with exercise. For most of my 20s, exercise was little more than a way of dealing with the negative feelings I had about my body. It was my way of coping with having eaten too much or having eaten the 'wrong' things. When I felt too fleshy, too indulgent, I'd try to 'work it off,' to shed those bad feelings.

I've never been much of a gym person, so going out for a run was my punishment of choice. But it took a lot just to get out the door. I dreaded my runs and would find any excuse to delay. I usually felt pretty good when I was done, but mostly because I had appeased my feelings of self-loathing. I had paid the price for my wrongdoings (at least for that day).

Just as a child who is accustomed to punishment will continue to act out in order to get the expected result, after my workout I'd feel like I had earned a reward, so I'd allow myself a big bowl of ice cream. But as I ate, feelings of guilt and obligation arose because I was anticipating the next day's punishment. And since I'd already been 'bad' with the first bowl, I helped myself to a second (with chocolate syrup this time), thus feeding the cycle. The next day I'd have to run harder and longer to feel okay, then I'd rebel again the day after by polishing off the rest of the container of ice cream. And so on.

Having grown up as an athlete and dancer I couldn't understand why fun exercise was so hard to come by as an adult. In high school I went to volleyball or softball practice every day after school, running, jumping, playing, playing. In college, dance classes were an integral part of my day and a way to express my creativity. My body liked movement, so why was it so hard as an adult to find a way to 'work out' that felt good?
 
I soon realized that the big difference from the days of teams and dance classes was that back then I pursued purposeful movement rather than a goal-based activity of logging a certain number of miles to get a sufficient workout. When my kids play they roll around on the floor, crawl under or over me as I practice yoga, jump over cracks in the sidewalk, and always find ways to express themselves with their movement. As an adult, my exercise routine had become punitive rather than joyful and purposeful, and I was determined to change that.

I decided to take the leap and stop 'working out.' It was a little rough at first. It was hard to find a way to get enough movement to satisfy my body's needs, and I worried that I would gain weight. But I stuck with it because it just felt awesome to go for a nice walk, to swim, to get on the mat for the joy of it instead of pumping out a ton of mindless vinyasas.

The funny thing is, when I stopped punishing myself and focusing on negative body image, I felt less of a need to eat compulsively or overeat on unhealthy things. Emotionally I was more satisfied, and I knew that I could enjoy a delicious brownie and a big glass of creamy whole milk without feeling the need to 'work it off' later. I was practicing balance and joy, and it felt great.

Now that I've stopped 'working out,' I've realized that I don't want to compartmentalize exercise. Movement is part of who I am, not just something I can do at a gym. Going for a walk is not about burning calories, but rather about getting me from home to the grocery store, about moving and breathing and being part of my community. My yoga practice is part of who I am, not something I have to force myself into doing because I've been 'bad' and had too much dessert. Movement just feels good, so I do it. To me that's what exercise should be - it should answer a physical, mental, and emotional question, a need we all have to be mobile beings.

I believe that even when yoga is practiced vigorously, it's not a 'workout.' Rather you're 'working in,' going deeper into yourself on all levels. When I step back from being compulsive about exercise and eating, when I choose to move my body in ways that bring me joy, I feel healthier and happier. And I'm actually in better physical shape now than when I was beating myself up with exercise.

Yes, it's the New Year. Yes, this is traditionally the time to make health and fitness commitments. But if exercise becomes a chore and a punishment, it's something that you will inevitably fall off from. When you instead recognize your body's innate need to move and you find the ways that feel best to you instead of just dragging yourself to the gym, movement can be as joyful as you remember it as a kid. And that brownie you enjoy without fear of retribution will be even sweeter.

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Posted by on in Family

Zach and I went to see our friend and fellow Bloomie, Robyn Okrant, in a fabulous storytelling event the other night. Robyn told an alternately hysterical and disturbing tale about her childhood fear of stuffed animals, and the whole event hit home why I love writing, reading, and the creative process in general: I also had a childhood fear of being murdered in my sleep.


I take great pleasure in the writing process, always have, and even in recent years as my energies have been pulled in many directions between the studio, my family, and trying to find time for myself, I have consistently made room for writing in some form or another. Often that only goes so far as recording something endearing the kids have said, but I like to think that because I carried them for nine months each I’m partly responsible for gems like Sabrina saying ‘my mouth is yummy’ while eating chocolate cake.

The creative process can be a thrill and a completely frustrating bore, often switching from one extreme to the other within moments. It requires practice and practice and a little space and then some more practice. But when it comes together and you transform an idea that was born in your brain into a flowing sequence of words that produce a shared experience, it's just the best. It's the in-between moments when a piece hasn’t come together yet that you simultaneously experience exhilaration and terror. But like yoga, my creativity practice has proven that the best remedy is to be okay with what is and to step back and allow things to work themselves out. The creative process is like tight hamstrings in a forward bend, there’s just no forcing it.

I love writing my Thinking Yogi posts, and have been feeling an itch to do more. But like many writers, I need deadlines and goals in order to complete a project. So, when we planned Creativity in Bloom at the studio I figured it was the perfect opportunity for me to commit to putting something together. That was months ago and I’m still not sure what I’ll be reading at the event (spoiler alert – it may involve a kite) but I’m counting on the fact that my creativity practice will come through again so I’ll have something cohesive to share with my Bloom friends. Either that or I will read aloud from the dictionary. The show must go on.

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Posted by on in Writing

It's been a while, so I may be a bit rusty.....After four years off I'm feeling the Thinking Yogi itch again, so I'm reinventing my original monthly column on Bloom's website and giving it a new home here.

My hope is to explore and share the intersection of two of my great passions: yoga and writing. I'll also sprinkle in a little bit about motherhood, life in Lincoln Square, exploring creativity in daily life, staying healthy and active, etc. I hope you'll join me on my blog-a-riffic adventure!

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