The Thinking Yogi
by Kerry Maiorca

December 2006: The Holiday Paradox

Growing up, I always looked forward to the holiday season. But several years ago when I was going through a difficult period personally, I was confronted with contradictory emotions. I clung to a romanticized version of the holidays I carried from childhood and sentimental movies, but I’d begun to associate the season with the word “stress” and often wished I could avoid our big get-togethers. I’m lucky to have a supportive and loving family, but during a time when I felt lost and confused as to who I was and what I wanted to do, getting together with people who’d known me all my life seemed to only highlight those unpleasant feelings.

If family is made up of people who love you and the holidays are meant to be a warm and loving time, how does stress come into the equation? Examining both your expectations for the season and your feelings about your own life may provide some insight into this paradox.

You can reduce stress and disappointment if you go into the season with proper expectations. Avoid clinging to perfected images of the holidays (family huddled around the fire singing carols and so on). Most of the time, real life doesn’t happen that way. Instead, embrace the present and go with what really happens, whether it involves a burned meal, an argument, or a screaming child. It may not seem as charming as the holidays you’ve see in the movies, but it’s your real life so you may as well enjoy it.

More challenging are the interpersonal interactions; when you bring together a diverse group of people who may not often see each other but have a long history together, there are bound to be some uncomfortable moments. Perhaps you’re sitting around the dinner table and a well-meaning family member inquires about your life and offers a suggestion about how you might improve your job, your appearance, your partner, or your child. You try to defend yourself and find yourself tangled in an argument. Or maybe you just grit your teeth, say nothing, and plan on venting to a friend once you’ve left the party.

Why should someone else’s comment about your life bother you? If you’re happy with your situation then the negative comment is equivalent to an untrue statement, in which case it should have no effect on you. Imagine if someone said, “Wow, your shirt is really blue!” when you were wearing a red shirt. There’d be no reason for it to bother you, because you know the shirt is red. Likewise, if you’re happy with your life, no comment, however negative, can change that.

If you’re going through a difficult period, remember that the holidays and interactions with family are not the cause of stress but rather a spotlight highlighting the challenges you’re currently experiencing. Rather than clinging to the old cliché of stressful holidays and gearing up to argue with family, tap into yoga and practice contentment and acceptance instead.

You can’t control what people say, but you can control your reactions (although it can be difficult when Aunt Bea knows just how to push your buttons!). If you encounter static at the dinner table, tune into the slow, deep breaths you practice in yoga class rather than engaging in negative conversation. While you may be justified in feeling hurt by judgmental comments, getting angry about it only increases the overall amount of negativity you experience. Focus instead on the positive things in your life and contemplate simple ways you can immediately begin to address areas of challenge. With this perspective, the holiday season is not a stressful test of endurance but rather an opportunity to assess your life and begin to make changes that will bring greater happiness.