The Thinking Yogi
by Kerry Maiorca

February 2006: Why don't you try and make me?

If you often find yourself saying things like 'You make me so mad!' or 'I can't believe she made me do that!' take a moment to think about what you really mean. Can someone else actually make you do anything? You may argue that sometimes an emotion just boils up in you and you simply can't control it. It's certainly not easy to prevent these reactions from spilling out, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

External stimuli do not need to determine your experience of the world. You aren't dependent upon having great weather in order to enjoy a walk outside; you don't need a perfectly quiet room in order to have a lovely yoga practice. These outside influences, the things we often think of as distractions, are completely neutral in and of themselves. It's our minds that determine that one thing is good and another is undesirable. The sound of a car honking is really just a sound, a sound just like a bird sweetly chirping or a baby giggling. It's all in the way you perceive it.

When you begin to observe, you may initially feel frustrated that you seem to be at the whim of your reactions. It's only natural - it may be the first time you're paying such careful attention to the way your mind works. This is one of the most difficult types of change to pursue because so much of it seems to be unconscious and is built upon long-held habits. But habits, no matter how deeply ingrained, are simply a set of behaviors and you can always change your behavior.

The first step is to simply watch you do when a stimulus presents itself (you may want to think of this as entertainment!). When a car cuts you off in traffic, observe the situation and how you react to it. I'd wager that your reaction will differ based on your particular circumstances; if you're running late you may find yourself cursing the other driver, disgusted by his selfishness. On the other hand, if you have no time deadline and if you've just had a wonderful and relaxing afternoon, you may find your reaction is slightly less intense and your disgust diminished.

Either way, observe the thoughts you have while the situation is playing out and allow yourself to have your normal reaction, cursing or laying on the horn or whatever it may be. After you've practiced simply observing your reactions for a while, then you can begin to insert a pause. When you get cut off, take a moment and focus on taking one breath in and one breath out. By the time you've finished you'll probably find that it'll feel considerably less satisfying to curse at the other driver. With the distance that brief pause affords you, you can see that this person's act was not so terrible in the scheme of things. Then you can avoid the tense shoulders, the pumping of blood, and just get on with driving safely along your way.

Traffic is one thing - your interaction with the driver who cut you off is detached because you have no direct contact with that person. But what of an argument with a friend or a family member, especially an argument that covers ground you've been over many times before, where there is history and emotion wrapped up in it? In this case you'll be interacting with a real, live human being who will be talking as you try to insert that pause, who may be frustrated when they can't push your buttons as they are accustomed to doing. You'll need to use the same process, only this situation will prove more challenging. You can think of the traffic situation as a basic standing pose, and the situation with your friend or relative as a deep backbend; you wouldn't approach the backbend without first feeling very comfortable in your standing poses, and likewise you should make sure you have mastered the traffic scenarios before taking on more intense situations.

This practice will enable you to break the chain of habitual responses and will free you from being 'made to do something.' Over time as you gain more awareness of yourself and your actions, and you'll develop a sense of being an active participant in your life rather than the victim of your reactions.