The Thinking Yogi
by Kerry Maiorca

February 2007: Love is Not Keeping Score

As February rolls around, talk of love is everywhere. Valentine’s Day is big business and suggestions abound for how your wallet can express your feelings. To show your love, the messages imply, you must buy flowers, candy, or a romantic meal for two.

Valentine’s Day presents heightened versions of love. It's easy to get all mushy over a candlelight dinner, but real love continues after you pay the check and head home. Love is also arguing whose turn it is to clean the bathroom; it’s disagreeing over how to care for a pet or parent your children. But most importantly, love is moving beyond day-to-day squabbles so you can get back to the business of enjoying your lives and each other.

In honor of Valentine’s Day this year, give someone you love a gift that costs nothing and gives back to you both: stop keeping score in your relationship.

Every relationship must endure the occasional disagreement. Problems arise when, although you’ve agreed on a compromise, resentment lingers. By allowing resentment over last week’s bathroom cleaning debate to sneak into today’s conversation about the groceries, you’re creating a mental scorecard of wrongdoing. Relationship scorekeeping will never produce a winner. Rather, it serves as fuel in escalating future arguments.

Being ‘right’ is much less satisfying than getting along. You may initially feel justified, citing how you’ve been pulling your weight where the other person has lagged, but your accusations are likely to put your loved one on the defensive and shut communication down.

Relationships are a long-term give and take, not an even day-to-day exchange. Practice not keeping score and invite the true spirit of love back in. Begin by simply reminding yourself, in every interaction, of the love you feel for this person. It’s easier said than done in the midst of an argument, but as you practice you’ll find this perspective shift allows you to rise above petty squabbles and makes your time together much more enjoyable.

When you find the Valentine’s Day glow wearing off and you’re back to regular life and household chores, you're experiencing love in all its messiness. Let go of the idealized images of Valentine’s Day love and embrace what actually happens in your relationships. Practice loving communication: forget the past, again and again. Assume the people you love only wish the best for you in all situations. Though real life bears little resemblance to a mushy Valentine’s Day card, when you stop keeping score you can appreciate the person you love despite all of life’s little bumps.